Let it burst(and bloom)

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Chapter 24

I literally have no idea how E.L. James plans to squeeze 2 more chapters out of this plot-line, NOT TO MENTION A FRIGGING EPILOGUE.

Alright, chapter 24, bring it on.

Just so you remember, when we last left off, Ana was in the hospital after being in a coma-like state for like 3 days, and Christian was being an asshole to the nurses and doctors taking care of his wife because that’s just how you’re supposed to act in that situation.

Well, apparently Chapter 24 is a testament to the fact that E.L. James doesn’t know when to end a frigging book. So far this whole chapter has just been Ana rambling about things and it’s been really lame.

Christian did ask the doctor if Ana was healthy enough to have sex, and I guess the doctor said not yet. It will be pretty interesting to see how long it takes them to break that rule.

And then Ana gets released from the hospital and they go back to the apartment and Ana has a weepfest about how she was attacked and all of that stuff, and then Christian decides to give Ana a shower, because she can’t do it herself?

“I’m okay.” I pull his head down to mine and kiss his lips. He’s hesitant to reciprocate, but as my tongue meets his, his body stirs against me.
“No,” he whispers against my lips, and he pulls back. “Let’s get you clean.”
His face is serious. Damn… He means it. I pout, and the atmosphere between us lightens in an instant. He grins and kisses me briefly.
“CLean,” he emphasizes. “Not dirty.”
“I like dirty.”
“Me, too, Mrs. Grey. But not now, not here.”

WHAAAT.

CHRISTIAN TURNED DOWN SEX.

HOW WEIRD.

HE’S ACTUALLY TAKING THE DOCTOR’S ADVICE.

PROGRESS!

So then I guess Christian found out that Jack kept blackmail videos of him having sex with all his PA’s as well as Elizabeth, the woman who helped kidnap Ana, which I really don’t understand how that’s supposed to justify what Elizabeth did, because if someone had a blackmail video of me being forced to have sex with someone, I’d be like “fuck it, show whoever you want, you can’t use that to force me to kidnap a woman so you can rape her.”

But maybe that’s just me.

And then we find out that Christian and Jack were in the same foster home when they were kids, because Jack had a troubled past too.

And then Christian’s family comes over and then they leave and it’s all really lame and then they leave and then Christian starts telling Ana about how Mrs. Robinson seduced him, but E.L. James cuts off the story and ends the chapter.

THAT WAS THE ONLY THING THAT I WAS ACTUALLY INTERESTED IN HEARING. If E.L. James doesn’t keep that story in there I’m going to be upset.

This chapter was really lame, I’m sorry. It’s hard to make something funny when it isn’t even interesting enough to make fun of.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Chapter 23 [part 3]

So even though the doctor SPECIFICALLY TOLD ANA NOT TO EAT ANYTHING SOLID, Ana still eats a piece of bread and acts like she’s such a fucking rebel for doing it.

OH YEAH DOCTORS ARE SO STUPID THEY JUST ARE TRYING TO RUIN YOUR FUN BY TELLING YOU NOT TO EAT SOLID THINGS.

I HOPE YOU PUKE SO HARD THAT YOU POOP OUT YOUR BABY.

YOU’RE AN IDIOT.

And then Carrick, Christian’s adoptive father comes to talk to Ana.

“He’s a little mad at you, as he should be.” Carrick smirks. Ah, this is where Christian gets it from.
“Christian is always mad at me.”
“Is he?” Carrick smiles, pleased—as if this is a good thing. His smile is infectious.

I love how Carrick is all “Oh my son is a flaming pile of shit to his wife? HOW CHARMING! LOLOLOL”

And then they finally talk about the baby and Christian is all OMG I’M GOING TO BE A HORRIBLE FATHER (which is true) and then:

“Ana—I don’t know if I can…”
“Of course you can. You’re loving, you’re fun, you’re strong, you’ll set boundaries. Our child will want for nothing.”

Oh, so THAT’S all it takes to be a good father? Wow, it sounds so simple!

And, no, Ana, Christian is going to be a terrible father, just like he’s a terrible husband. He told you that he wanted to BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU when he got mad at you for something, and another time he implied that because you were his wife, he could just have sex with you whenever he wanted, and when you said you’d scream, he acted surprised.

HE IS A SHITTY HUMAN BEING.

SHITTY HUMAN BEINGS MAKE SHITTY PARENTS.

THAT’S HOW THAT WORKS.

What is he going to do when the kid comes home late from a date? Beat the shit out of them? Or is he going to be the kind of person who’s fine around the kids, but screams at Ana in front of the kid and threatens to beat her?

WOW WHAT A GREAT HOME LIFE.

And that’s the end of the chapter.

There’s seriously 2 more chapters of this goddamned book?

WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO WRITE ABOUT.

NOTHING.

STOP NOW.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Chapter 23 [part 2]

Oh my god so Ana has to pee and the nurse is all “You have a catheter, bro.” and Ana is all “that’s nasty, y’all” and so the Nurse is all:

“Let me remove your catheter. Mr. Grey I am sure Mrs. Grey would like some privacy.” She looks pointedly at Christian, dismissing him.
“I’m not going anywhere.” He glares back at her.
“Christian, plase,” I whisper, reaching out and grasping his hand. Briefly he squeezes my hand then gives me an exasperated look. “Please,” I beg.
“Fine!” he snaps and runs his hand through his hair. “You have two minutes,” he hisses at the nurse, and he leans down and kisses my forehead before turning on his heel and leaving the room.

HEY GUYS, THERE’S THIS GREAT NEW BOOK COMING OUT WRITTEN BY CHRISTIAN GREY HIMSELF.

IT’S CALLED “HOW TO BE AN ASSHOLE TO YOUR WIFE WHILE SHE’S IN THE HOSPITAL RECOVERING FROM POTENTIALLY LIFE-THREATENING INJURIES WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY BEING AN ASSHOLE TO YOUR WIFE’S NURSE.”

Just stop, Christian. I get it that you’re stressed out, but giving Ana’s nurse a mother fucking TIME LIMIT is THE PINNACLE OF BULLSHIT.

OH AND THEN ANA IS ALL “I’m hungry” and Christian gets all excited because he seems to pop a boner every time Ana eats, and then the nurse is all “Actually she can’t have any food until she’s been checked by a doctor” which makes sense because THIS IS A MOTHER FUCKING HOSPITAL AND THERE ARE MAYBE SOME THINGS SHE SHOULDN’T EAT OR SHE SHOULD STICK TO A LIQUID DIET OR SOMETHING but no Christian just orders Ana some soup like he OWNS THE FUCKING WORLD.

CHRISTIAN. STOP. SERIOUSLY. YOU ARE BEING SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

“I have died a thousand deaths since Thursday.”

I HATE THAT GODDAMNED PHRASE.

YOU ARE NOT A CLEVER WRITER, E.L. JAMES. STOP TRYING. NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS. NO ONE HAS EVER TALKED LIKE THIS. THAT IS NOT A THING THAT NORMAL PEOPLE SAY TO ONE ANOTHER.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Chapter 23 [part 1]

Did I mention that as Ana was blacking out she heard Christian’s voice? No? Well she did.

And now she wakes up and is in pain, and talks about how bad the pain is for like a whole page.

And then she hears Christian talking to someone who is presumably a doctor and Christian is all IS THE BABY OK and the doctor is like yeah bro calm the fuck down i got this shit and Christian is all “Oh thank god.”

SO NOW CHRISTIAN IS ON BOARD. EVEN THOUGH HE FREAKED THE FUCK OUT BEFORE. WHICH IS KIND OF CUTE BECAUSE DUDES BEING ALL FATHERLY IS FRIGGIN’ PRECIOUS (DON’T EVEN DENY IT YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE), BUT IT’S ALSO KIND OF FRUSTRATING BECAUSE THEY NEVER EVEN HAD A CONVERSATION ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT THEY WERE READY FOR KIDS. THEY NEVER TALKED ABOUT THEIR OPTIONS, OR WHAT THE PLAN WAS IF THEY WERE GOING TO KEEP IT, OR ANYTHING. BUT EVERYTHING IS JUST MAGICALLY FINE. POOF. ARGUMENT OVER.

Although I guess life-threatening situations do that.

And then we’re put through PAGES AND PAGES of Ana slipping in and out of consciousness. I’M SO BORED.

And then Ana wakes up finally and has to pee, and Christian is all “Stay still. I’ll call a nurse.”

And then Ana is all “Please. I need to get up.”

AND THEN

“Will you do as you’re told for once?” he snaps, exasperated.

YOUR FUCKING WIFE JUST WOKE UP FROM A COMA OR WHATEVER, AFTER SHE SAVED YOUR SISTER’S LIFE, AND YOU’RE ALREADY FREAKING THE FUCK OUT AT HER BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO GET OUT OF BED TO PEE.

DOUCHEBAG OF THE CENTURY, SERIOUSLY.

LADIES, IF YOU THINK CHRISTIAN GREY IS THE IDEAL MAN, PLEASE KINDLY SLAP YOURSELF SO I DON’T HAVE TO DO IT FOR YOU.

HE. IS. THE. WORST.

STOP LYING TO YOURSELVES.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Chapter 22 [part 2]

OH SHIT, ELIZABETH, WHO ANA WORKS WITH, IS WORKING WITH JACK HYDE.

WHAT.

And then of course Ana gets pushed down by Jack, and instantly she’s all ZOMG THE BABYYY.

I hope the baby is dead.

That sounds awful, but I just want SOMETHING ACTUALLY BAD TO HAPPEN.

IF I HAD A DOLLAR FOR EVERY TIME I WANTED THERE TO BE ACTUAL CONSEQUENCES FOR SOMETHING, I WOULD HAVE SEVERAL DOLLARS THAT I COULD USE TO BUY A WELL-WRITTEN, ENJOYABLE BOOK.

And then Jack starts kicking Ana in the ribs? And is all batshit crazy? Cool?

OH SHIT AND ANA JUST SHOT THE BASTARD BECAUSE SHE STILL HAD THE GUN BECAUSE ELIZABETH AND JACK ARE IDIOTS AND DIDN’T CHECK HER FOR WEAPONS.

I love how Ana started this series by face-planting into Christian’s office and is ending this series by shooting a motherfucker in the kneecap.

I guess you could call that progress.

And then Ana blacks out.

OH apparently there’s another 2 chapters.

WOOPS I THOUGHT IT WAS THE LAST ONE.

DAMMIT.

I think I might just leave you guys with a cliffhanger…DOES ANA WAKE UP??!!

DUM BUM BUMMMM.

Just kidding. You know she does. She’s apparently a magical fairy who will never have anything bad happen to her.

WHAT A REALISTIC CHARACTER.

Time for chapter 23 (GODDAMMIT CAN THIS BOOK JUST END PLEASE)

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Chapter 22 [part 1]

So when we last left, Christian and Ana hadn’t talked in awhile because they’re both still pissed off at each other so they’ve given each other the silent treatment for a day and a half, all because Ana’s pregnant and how dare she be pregnant, what a bitch.

And then Ana’s at work and she gets a call from Mia (Christian’s adopted sister) except it’s not actually Mia it’s MOTHER FUCKING JACK HYDE WHO’S SUPPOSED TO BE IN FUCKING JAIL BUT HE’S ACTUALLY NOT HOLY SHIT.

“Jack.” My voice has disappeared, choked by fear. How is he out of jail? Why does he have Mia’s phone?

And here’s a classic example of why E.L. James is a shitty writer. As a writer, you shouldn’t be telling the reader what questions to have. That’s dumb, and it’s even more dumb when you’re writing something thriller/mystery-esque. You don’t need to go OH MAN I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THE KILLER IS in a murder-mystery, because IT’S ALREADY REALLY OBVIOUS THAT YOU DON’T KNOW WHO THE KILLER IS.

E.L. James just has a really low opinion of her readers’ intelligence…either that or she’s just a really awful writer. Probably both.

So then Jack makes the usual demand of $5 million in 2 hours or else he’s gonna kill Mia, and if Ana calls the cops or tells Christian Jack is going to kill Mia even harder.

WOW IT’S LIKE THE PLOT OF ANY COP SHOW OR THRILLER EVER. E.L. James is clearly not capable of writing an original plot.

So Ana leaves work and goes back home to get her checkbook, and also stops and picks up the gun that’s in Christian’s desk (the gun that he took from Leila back in book 2, the gun that Christian has no idea how to use but that he keeps in his desk anyway).

And now she’s at the bank, withdrawing the money, and the bank manager calls Christian because they have a joint account and all that.

Is it bad that I’m actually kind of excited about this?

WOW TOO BAD I HAD TO WAIT UNTIL THE VERY LAST CHAPTER OF THE LAST BOOK TO GET EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHING.

So then Ana tells Christian that she’s leaving him so he doesn’t interfere with everything and OH GOD I’M ACTUALLY SAD FOR HIM.

WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Anonymous asked: Can you please quote the section where Christian threatens to rape Ana? I am following this blog so I don't have to read all three books to tell people how TERRIBLE it is, and I want to know exactly how he threatens her (without borrowing the book because you know, it would make it look like I actually support it).

Here’s the chunk of the section where it happens:

“You’ve thought about leaving?” His words are barely audible.
“When one’s husband prefers the company of his ex-mistress, it’s usually not a good sign.” I pitch the disdain at just the right level, evading his question. Lip gloss now. I pout my shiny lips at the image in the mirror. Stay strong, Steele…um—Grey. Holy fuck, I can’t even remember my name. I pick up my boots, stride over to the bed once more, and quickly put them on, tugging them up over my knees. Yep. I look hot in just underwear and boots. I know. Standing, I gaze dispassionately at him. He blinks at me, and his eyes travel swiftly and greedily down my body.
“I know what you’re doing here,” he murmurs, and his voice has acquired a warm, seductive edge.
“Do you?” And my voice cracks. No, Ana…hold on.
He swallows and takes a step forward. I step back and hold my hands up.
“Don’t even think about it, Grey,” I whisper menacingly.
“You’re my wife,” he says softly, threateningly.
“I’m the pregnant woman you abandoned yesterday, and if you touch me I will scream the place down.”
His eyebrows rise in disbelief. “You’d scream?
“Bloody murder.” I narrow my eyes.
“No one would hear you,” he murmurs, his gaze intense, and briefly I’m reminded of our morning in Aspen. No. No. No.

So yeah, I mean, the word “rape” is never mentioned, the word sex isn’t even mentioned, but it’s pretty clear what he’s implying here, and I’m not just reading too much into it. He threatens to have sex with her when she CLEARLY DOES NOT WANT TO, because SHE’S HIS WIFE even though THAT DOESN’T MEAN THAT’S OKAY AT ALL.

AND THEN the cherry on this fucked up cake, when she says she would scream, he says NO ONE WOULD HEAR YOU.

So basically Christian is a really awful person and I hate him. And Ana is an idiot for marrying him.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Chapter 21 [part 3]

So after Christian THREATENS TO RAPE HIS GODDAMNED WIFE, this happens:

I can barely breathe. If he touches me, I will succumb. I know the power he wields over me and over my traitorous body.

YOUR HUSBAND JUST ESSENTIALLY THREATENED TO RAPE YOU. “Omg that’s so hot I can barely contain my lust!”

FUCK YOU, ANA.

And then a lot of boring stuff happens where Ana and Christian never actually talk about the problems they’re having, they both just go to work and ignore each other.

THIS IS SO HEALTHY OH MAN.

WHAT A WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP THESE TWO HAVE.

See, this, THIS is what I mean when I say that this isn’t how relationships work.

THIS RELATIONSHIP ISN’T WORKING.

They never talk about ANYTHING, they just say “Well, I’m mad at you because of this.” and then they don’t talk, and then they have sex, and then everything is fine even though NOTHING IS EVER REALLY RESOLVED.

They’ve had the same goddamned fight a thousand times before, where Christian gets mad at Ana for no fucking reason, and then Ana gets mad at Christian for getting mad at her, and then somehow it all leads back to Christian’s mom being a crack-whore.

SO SICK OF IT.

Oh, and then Mia calls Ana.

OH EXCEPT HOLY SHIT IT ISN’T MIA IT’S JACK HYDE WITH MIA’S PHONE.

WHY DOES JACK HYDE HAVE MIA’S PHONE.

OH FUCK.

SHIT JUST GOT SUPER FUCKING REAL.

EXCEPT I GUARANTEE ALL OF THIS SHIT WILL BE RESOLVED REALLY QUICKLY WITH NO LASTING CONSEQUENCES JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE.

BUT I CAN’T HELP BEING KIND OF EXCITED TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

;ASLDFKSA

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Chapter 21 [part 2]

So after Ana falls asleep in the creepy murder-room, she wakes up to Christian FREAKING THE FUCK OUT and not knowing where she was.

DID YOU REALLY NOT THINK TO CHECK THE REST OF YOUR OWN GODDAMNED APARTMENT, CHRISTIAN? REALLY?

So then Ana is all like “Oh well I’m still going to work” because that’s her response to stressful situations. And as she’s getting ready she proceeds to ignore Christian while he keeps asking where she was.

And then she decides to play a little game by doing a kind of reverse strip tease where she gets naked and then puts on just her bra, underwear, stockings and high-heeled boots and waltzes around the bedroom blowdrying her hair and what-not.

And then E.L. James serves us this plate piled high with bullshit:

“I know what you’re doing here,” he murmurs, and his voice has acquired a warm, seductive edge.
“Do you?” And my voice cracks. No, Ana…hold on.
He swallows and takes a step forward. I step back and hold my hands up.
“Don’t even think about it, Grey,” I whisper menacingly.
“You’re my wife,” he says softly, threateningly.

FUN FACT OF THE DAY: JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE MARRIED TO SOMEONE DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM WHENEVER YOU WANT.

SEE, CHRISTIAN, IF YOU TRY AND HAVE SEX WITH ANA WHEN SHE DOESN’T WANT TO, THERE’S A SPECIAL WORD FOR IT.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WORD IS?

IT’S RAPE.

MARRIAGE DOES NOT EQUAL AUTOMATIC CONSENT.

THIS IS SO FULL OF BULLSHIT I CAN’T EVEN HANDLE IT RIGHT NOW.

“I”m the pregnant woman you abandoned yesterday, and if you touch me I will scream the place down.”
His eyebrows rise in disbelief. “You’d scream?”

YES SOMETIMES PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, CHRISTIAN. WOW WHAT A FUCKING CONCEPT.

“No one would hear you,” he murmurs, his gaze intense, and briefly I’m reminded of our morning in Aspen. No. No. No.

I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS FUCKING BOOK.

FUCK.

EVERYTHING.

GODDAMMIT.

PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS THE PART WHERE CHRISTIAN TRIES TO MURDER ANA. PLEASE GIVE ME SOME KIND OF RIDICULOUS PLOT TWIST. SOMETHING, ANYTHING TO JUSTIFY THE AMOUNT OF ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT I JUST READ.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Chapter 21 [part 1]

When we last left off, Christian was being A GIANT SACK OF ASSHOLES to Ana because Ana was stupid and forgot to get her birth control shot and now she’s pregnant, which apparently makes it okay for Christian to FREAK THE FUCK OUT and slam the door and walk out on Ana. So Christian went to Mrs. Robinson’s house (the older lady who had sex with him when he was 16 and who used to be friends with his mom) and he came back home COMPLETELY WASTED and Ana was like “lol that’s cute and sexy” even though it wasn’t at all in any way.

Fuck this book. Seriously.

So how much do you want to bet that Ana is going to reference being pregnant every 5 fucking seconds from now on?

OH LOOK IT’S ALREADY BEGUN.

I pull my knees up against my chest and wrap my arms around them, protecting me and protecting my Little Blip.

She’s calling the baby Little Blip now, just so you know.

ALSO WHAT ARE YOU PROTECTING YOURSELF/YOUR BABY FROM. IS THERE A FUCKING SASQUATCH IN YOUR APARTMENT. NO. YOU’RE JUST SAD. HUGGING YOUR KNEES WILL NOT PROTECT YOU AND YOUR BABY FROM SADNESS. NICE TRY.

What did I expect? I married this man too quickly. I knew it—I knew it would come to this.

OH MY GOD YES THANK YOU I AGREE I’LL GO CALL THE DIVORCE LAWYER. YOUR MARRIAGE IS A PILE OF SHIT AND YOU’VE ONLY BEEN MARRIED LIKE 4 MONTHS. I’M SO GLAD YOU FINALLY REALIZE THIS.

Oh, Christian, you strain all my trust, all my faith…and I love you.

NO. YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG. LET’S GO BACK TO WHEN YOU WERE REGRETTING YOUR ENTIRE MARRIAGE BECAUSE YOU MARRIED CHRISTIAN TOO EARLY. I LIKED THAT TRAIN OF THOUGHT.

STOP TRYING TO JUSTIFY THIS SHITSTORM BY SAYING “OH BUT I LOVE HIM.”

But it’s not just me now. I place my hand on my belly. No, I will not let him do this to me and our Blip.

Because tiny bundles of cells can definitely feel heartbreak. That little amphibian in your uterus is definitely shaking its little fist going “DAMMIT CHRISTIAN HOW DARE YOU GO OUT DRINKING WITH THAT BITCH.”

So now Ana decides that she’s not sleeping in the same bed as him (good, he deserves to wake up alone), so instead of sleeping in the guest room, or on the couch, she goes and sleeps in the creepy murder-room.

LOGIC.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Chapter 20 [part 4]

OH SHIT Ana just told Christian.

“Christ, Ana!” He bangs his fist on the table, making me jump, and stands so abruptly he almost knocks the dining chair over. “You have one thing, one thing to remember. Shit! I don’t fucking believe it. How could you be so stupid?”

Okay, Christian, I understand that you’re not really happy with the situation, but I think it’s a little ridiculous that you are currently SCREAMING AT YOUR PREGNANT WIFE all because she MISSED SOME OB/GYN APPOINTMENTS.

I agree, she is stupid, but you knew that when you married her, in fact you knew that BEFORE you married her, so why didn’t you make sure she was keeping up with her appointments since she’s going to the Gynecologist that YOU FORCED HER TO GO TO.

YOU ARE BOTH COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY AT FAULT FOR ALL OF THIS. DON’T GET PISSED OFF AT EACH OTHER, THAT DOESN’T HELP.

I would love to see a calm, emotional conversation about what they’re going to do about this situation, instead of Christian freaking out and being all HOW DARE YOU GET PREGNANT EVEN THOUGH I’M THE ONE THAT REFUSED TO USE CONDOMS BECAUSE THEY ANNOY ME.

I hate everything about this chapter so far. a;lkfjas;eoiras.

“Did you forget? Tell me. Or did you do this on purpose?” His eyes blaze and anger emanates off him like a force field.

REALLY.

ARE.

YOU.

FUCKING.

KIDDING.

ME.

YOU HONESTLY THINK YOUR WIFE GOT PREGNANT ON PURPOSE.

OH AND THEN CHRISTIAN JUST WALKS OUT AND SLAMS THE DOOR AND COMES HOME AT LIKE 3 AM COMPLETELY FUCKING WASTED.

COOL.

WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

Also he’s being a drunk asshole and all he wants is to have sex with her and is being SUPER CREEPY about it, and this is how she reacts:

Holy cow. Drunk Christian is cute and playful.

NO HE’S STILL AN ASSHOLE BECAUSE HE WALKED OUT ON YOU AFTER YOU TOLD HIM YOU WERE PREGNANT AND NOW HE’S DRUNK AND KEEPS TRYING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU DON’T WANT TO.

UGH.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS AND I HATE EVERYTHING SO MUCH.

His shirt has come dislodged from his pants, revealing a hint of his happy trail. I can’t resist. I bend and kiss it.

REALLY? REALLY. SO NOW YOU’RE JUST GOING TO BE ALL HORNY AND STUPID AND PROBABLY HAVE SEX EVEN THOUGH HE IS BEING  THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE EVER TO YOU.

I.

QUIT.

Oh and apparently when he left Ana he went over to see Mrs. Robinson, the giant bitch who had an affair with Christian when he was 16 years old.

GOOD JOB.

WHAT A WONDERFUL MARRIAGE THESE TWO HAVE.

I HATE THEM BOTH SO MUCH OH MY GOD.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Chapter 20 [part 3]

I am still seething over that last part of the chapter.

ANYWAY.

$20 says Ana doesn’t mention the possibility of adoption or abortion ONCE during the ENTIRETY of this chapter.

Lets go.

A vision of a little boy with copper-colored hair and bright gray eyes, running through the meadow at the new house invades my thoughts, teasing and tantalizing me with possibilities. He’s giggling and squealing with delight as Christian and I chase him. Christian swings him high in his arms and carries him on his hip as we walk hand in hand back to the house.

GEE. I WONDER HOW THIS BOOK IS GOING TO END.

E.L. JAMES SHOULD REALLY BE MORE OBVIOUS ABOUT THINGS. I DEFINITELY HAVEN’T PREDICTED 90% OF THIS PLOT. I’M SO LOST AND CONFUSED. I DEFINITELY DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT.

My vision morphs into Christian turning away from me in disgust. I’m fat and awkward, heavy with child. He paces the long hall of mirrors, away from me, the sound of his footsteps echoing off the silvered glass, walls, and floor.

Okay, real talk: if you’re with a guy, and you get pregnant, and he’s all grossed out by you being pregnant, GET A NEW GUY.

HALF OF THE BLAME BELONGS TO THE DUDE. LADIES DON’T JUST GET PREGNANT BECAUSE THEY FEEL LIKE IT. WOMEN DON’T GO “OH, HEY, IT’S TUESDAY, I THINK I’LL GO GET FAT AND GROSS AND PREGNANT TODAY.’

NO.

IF ANA AND CHRISTIAN WERE THAT WORRIED ABOUT CHILDREN, CHRISTIAN SHOULD HAVE BEEN USING A FUCKING CONDOM, AND ANA’S GYNECOLOGIST SHOULD HAVE EXPLAINED THE RISKS OF THE BIRTH CONTROL ANA WAS ON.

THERE IS NO BIRTH CONTROL THAT IS 100% EFFECTIVE. ACCIDENTS HAPPEN. AND THEN YOU DEAL WITH THEM.

If Christian turned away because he was scared, that’s fine. Having a kid is fucking terrifying. But because he’s disgusted? No. You shouldn’t be with someone who you honestly think is going to be disgusted by you if you’re pregnant. Being pregnant should be a beautiful, exciting thing.

I can already feel the oncoming shit-storm that will happen when Christian finds out that Ana is preggo. I am simultaneously excited and already pissed off. It’s a weird feeling.

When will I tell him? Tonight? Maybe after sex? Maybe during sex. No, that might be dangerous for both of us.

Stop, Ana. Just stop.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Chapter 20 [part 2]

So, after Ana dislays her complete lack of knowledge about birth control, pregnancy, and visits to the gynecologist, Dr. Greene, the gynecologist, does a transvaginal ultrasound to make sure Ana is actually pregnant, and they find a tiny little blip on the ultrasound thingy (I’ve never gotten an ultrasound so pardon me, I don’t know the technical terms).

I am too stunned to say anything. The little blip is a baby. A real honest to goodness baby. Christian’s baby. My baby. Holy cow. A baby!

WAIT IS THERE A BABY UP IN THERE? YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY BE MORE OBVIOUS ABOUT IT NEXT TIME, ANA. YOU WERE BEING REALLY SUBTLE THERE I DEFINITELY COULDN’T TELL.

FUN GAME: DRINK EVERY TIME SHE SAYS BABY.

MORE FUN: DRINK EVERY TIME SHE SAYS ANYTHING ABOUT HOW CHRISTIAN IS GOING TO FLIP 80 DIFFERENT KINDS OF SHIT.

FUN!

In other news, I am getting the distinct feeling that E.L. James is anti-abortion, because when you are 4-5 weeks pregnant, this is what your “baby” looks like:

Oh yeah, that’s definitely a baby. It definitely doesn’t look like some weird amphibian made out of jello and/or play-doh.

Okay, maybe I’m being harsh. But just so you know ahead of time, I am vehemently pro-choice, so I apologize to any pro-life people following this blog, as I will probably piss you off sooner or later while talking about stupid Ana being pregnant.

OH WELL.

Anyway, bottom line? At 4-5 weeks you do not have an “Honest to Goodness Baby” in your uterus. You have a lumpy bunch of cells. A lumpy bunch of cells that looks like it could turn into an elephant, or a dog, or a tiger, or any number of other mammals. GOOD FOR YOU. HERE’S AN AWARD.

OH AND GUESS WHAT. THE GYNECOLOGIST NEVER EVEN MENTIONS THAT AN ABORTION IS AN OPTION. SHE’S JUST LIKE OKAY WELL LET’S MEET AGAIN IN A COUPLE WEEKS TO TALK ABOUT WHEN YOUR DUE-DATE IS.

SHE’S FILTHY FUCKING RICH. SHE CAN AFFORD AN ABORTION. AT LEAST GIVE HER THE COURTESY OF INFORMING HER OF THAT OPTION.

EXCEPT I GUARANTEE SHE WON’T GET ONE EVEN THOUGH SHE CAN AFFORD IT.

I know I should be happy. But I’m not. This is too early. Far too early. What about my job? What about SIP? What about Christan and me? No. No. No.

BECAUSE CLEARLY NO WOMAN HAS EVER HAD A BABY AND KEPT UP WITH THEIR JOBS AND RELATIONSHIPS.

NO

WOMAN

EVER

AND THAT’S JUST CELEBRITIES.

THAT’S NOT EVEN TAKING INTO ACCOUNT ALL THE WONDERFUL, AMAZING, STRONG, BEAUTIFUL MOMS OUT THERE WHO ARE WORKING THEIR ASSES OFF TO GIVE THEIR BABIES THE BEST LIVES THEY CAN WHILE MAINTAINING THEIR JOBS AND FAMILIES AND HOMES AND FRIENDS AND LIVES AND EVERYTHING.

BUT OH MAN, ANA, YOU’RE DEFINITELY THE FIRST WOMAN TO EVER COPE WITH SUCH A HORRIFIC, DIFFICULT LIFE. IT’S NOT LIKE YOU HAVE AN OBNOXIOUS AMOUNT OF MONEY YOU COULD JUST LIVE OFF OF INSTEAD OF WORKING JUST TO BE ABLE TO PUT A TINY AMOUNT OF FOOD ON THE TABLE. YOU POOR, POOR CREATURE.

WHAT AN OVER-PRIVELAGED BITCH.

Okay, I get it, being pregnant when you’re not expecting it is scary, REALLY scary. But Ana is in THE BEST POSSIBLE PLACE IN HER LIFE for her to be pregnant. She’s INSANELY rich, she’s married, she has a good network of family and friends to support her, she’s out of school, and she’s healthy. If she didn’t want this baby, she has A LOT of options, namely either Abortion (WHICH SHE CAN VERY EASILY AFFORD SINCE HER HUSBAND OWNS THE FUCKING WORLD. ALSO ANA MAKES A LOT OF MONEY TOO SO WHY HASN’T THIS BEEN MENTIONED YET), or Adoption.

THIS WHOLE THING IS STUPID AND I HATE EVERYTHING.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Chapter 20 [part 1]

FUN FACT: I’m still coming down from being a wee-bit tipsy. Also I’m really fucking tired (even though it’s only 10 pm wtf) so these live blogs may be weird.

ALSO I CAN’T TYPE ANYTHING EVER WHAT THE HECK.

ANYWAY.

So the last time we were here we found out that ANA IS A FUCKING MORON AND MISSED HER OB/GYN APPOINTMENTS AND IS NOW…

A;SDLKFASER DRUMROLL OMG…

PREGNANT AS FUCK.

LOOOOOL.

So at the start of this chapter we find out that Ana is literally clueless about how contraception works, as evidenced by this:

“I thought…I thought this was a reliable from of contraceptive.”
Dr. Greene arches a brow. “It normally is, when you remember to have the shot,” she says cooly.

MAYBE IF THIS DR. GREENE HAD ACTUALLY DONE A GOOD JOB OF INFORMING ANA OF WHAT THIS BIRTH CONTROL WAS ALL ABOUT, AND MAYBE IF ANA HAD ACTUALLY LISTENED TO WHAT DR. GREENE WAS SAYING EVER, MAYBE THIS WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED.

THIS IS WHY WE NEED MORE SEX ED IN SCHOOLS. IT ISN’T JUST ABOUT HAVING SEX AND ALL THAT. LADIES, IF YOUR BOYFRIEND/HUSBAND/WHATEVER IS GOING TO FORCE YOU TO BE ON BIRTH CONTROL, AT LEAST MAKE AN EFFORT TO UNDERSTAND THE BIRTH CONTROL YOU’RE GOING TO BE ON.

Also if your boyfriend/husband/whatever is forcing you to be on birth control SPECIFICALLY SO HE DOESN’T HAVE TO USE CONDOMS maybe you should get a new fucking boyfriend.

JUST SAYING.

[that is you hitting your old boyfriend because REAL MEN DON’T MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT USING CONDOMS. A CONDOM IS A LOT EASIER TO DEAL WITH THAN A CHILD, AND EVERY SINGLE METHOD OF BIRTH CONTROL HAS SERIOUS SIDE EFFECTS THAT DON’T INCLUDE “eeeewwww my junk smells like latex” OR EVEN BETTER “omg it just doesn’t feel as good.” DEAL WITH IT, DUDES. EVEN IF IT’S A QUICKIE, WRAP THAT STICKIE.]

I hate dudes who complain about using condoms. What assholes. Seriously.