Let it burst(and bloom)

I’m starting to get unreasonably pissed about the inaccurate 50 Shades quotes going around.

Mostly because no one bothers to fact check anything (or they fact check THE SHIT out of EVERYTHING).

And yes, the 50 Shades books are shit-caverns, but people just accept that these ridiculous quotes came from them.

Like this one:

“His pointer finger circled my puckered love cave. “Are you ready for this?” he mewled, smirking at me like a mother hamster about to eat her three-legged young.”

Which, yes, that’s hilarious, but everyone just takes it as fact, like that’s actually in the books, which it isn’t. I’ve read them. I know.

There is SO MUCH SHIT to make fun of in those books (I liveblogged all 3 and I barely scratched the surface of the gaping dick-canyon that is E.L. James’ mind and thought process), why make shit up?

Like, this is the book that says “I had no idea giving pleasure could be such a turn-on, watching him writhe subtly with carnal longing. My inner goddess is doing the meringue with some salsa moves.”

THAT IS A LITERAL QUOTE FROM THE BOOKS.

WHY ARE WE MAKING SHIT UP WHEN WE SHOULD BE MAKING FUN OF THE SHIT THAT’S ACTUALLY IN THERE.

Conclusion:

1. Fact check your shit. Even if it’s stupid shit.
2. MAKE FUN OF 50 SHADES BECAUSE IT IS THE WORST EVER.

Caitlin Liveblogs the 50 Shades Trilogy: Final Thoughts

Anonymous asked: seriously, if you hate those books so much, why read all of them? then bitch about them publicly. it seems like a waste of time and effort or that you're just trying to cover up that you like them. jussayin

I’ve been asked this question several times. If you hate something so much, why bother?

The answer, my friends, is this:

When I hate something, I feel the need to know every tiny detail about that thing, specifically so I can completely destroy someone in an argument.

When people who love the 50 Shades books ask me why I hate them, I can tell them, in full detail, with pages of notes and details, why they are awful. I can point out the awful moral issues, the glaring plot holes, the hysterically bad writing. I have examples, page numbers, quotes. I like to be able to back up my shit.

If I had only read the first book, I would have said “Oh man, that book was THE WORST.” And then someone who LOVED the books would go “Oh my god, the first book is toootally ridiculous, the story gets wayyy better in the 2nd and 3rd books.” And I would have nothing to say to that.

But this way I have read all 3 books. I know that the books get only marginally better, and by “better” I mean that if the first book was a fiery pit of molten shit and used tampons, the second and third books are merely luke-warm pits of molten shit and used tampons.

I tend to be an argumentative person about things like this.

As for why bitch about them publicly…Well, apparently a lot of people like my public bitching. But that’s not solely why I do it. I do it so I can go back and reread it in case of an argument with someone (I like to be able to cite my sources). I do it to save poor, innocent internet-users from the ridiculousness in those books. I do it to publicly show people why these books suck, because these books are really, really insulting to me.

I want to be a writer one day. I have one complete (although completely unpublishable) manuscript, as well as one that’s about 3/4 done with the first full draft, as well as numerous short stories and personal essays, some of which have been published in various school literary magazines. I sometimes spend hours debating the placement of a comma, which word to use, whether to add more place description or internal perceptions. I spend days, weeks, MONTHS, trying to make my stories as perfect as they can be. I read other books to try and learn how other authors solve their problems in their work, to learn more about how other authors use language.

And then this woman, this E.L. James, comes along, writes what is admittedly a ridiculously mediocre fanfiction story with poor grammar and no knowledge of how commas function, and this story gets published.

Do you know what my odds are of getting published? Even though I spent so much time perfecting my work?

Let’s put it this way: my odds aren’t very good.

Am I the best writer? No. But I put a LOT of goddamned effort into writing, I’m paying $36,000 a year to make my writing the best it can be, and my odds of publication are still pretty slim in today’s publishing world.

I take personal offense that these books are published, that people like them enough to buy them and then buy the 2nd and 3rd ones and then recommend them to their friends. I hate that. It’s like how reality shows are offensive to actors, or how dance competitions are offensive to professional dancers.

So no, I’m not trying to “cover up” that I like them. I’ve been reading and even sometimes writing better smut than that on the internet since I was about 12 years old.

jussayin.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Darker: Chapter 22 [Part 2]

AWW SHIT.

HERE WE GO.

ANA AND ELENA ARE TALKING ALONE IN A HALLWAY OR SOMETHING.

“I would offer you my heartfelt congratulations, but I think that would be inappropriate.” Her piercing cold blue eyes stare frostily into mine, filled with loathing.
“I neither need nor want your congratulations, Elena. I’m surprised and disappointed to see you here.”
She arches an eyebrow. I think she’s impressed.

IMPRESSED BY WHAT. BY THE FACT THAT YOU FINALLY FUCKING GREW A BACKBONE? DO YOU WANT A FUCKING AWARD?

“I wouldn’t have thought of you as a worthy adversary, Anastasia. But you surprise me at every turn.”
“I haven’t thought of you at all,” I lie, coolly. Christian would be proud. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have much better things to do than waste my time with you.”
“Not so fast, missy,” she hisses, leaning against the door, effectively blocking it.

Do people actually say “Not so fast, missy” in a non-ironic way? Because if I was in a bitchfest with someone that would COMPLETELY ruin the mood, and I would probably laugh in their face.

“You’re nothing but a sick child molester, and if it was up to me, I’d toss you into the seventh circle of hell and walk away smiling. Now get out of my way—or do I have to make you?”

OH SHIT AND THEN ANA THROWS HER MARTINI IN ELENA’S FACE.

HELL. FUCKING. YES.

EVEN BETTER, CHRISTIAN’S MOM CALLS HER A WHORE AND TELLS HER TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.

BEST. EVER.

Ugh and then there’s like 10 pages of boring shit about him proposing in a more romantic way with flowers and shit and a huge-ass ring and all that bullshit and whatever.

OH BUT THEN THERE’S A MYSTERIOUS MAN SMOKING A CIGARETTE AND DRINKING AND WATCHING THE GREY’S HOUSE AND THINKING ABOUT HOW HE SABOTAGED CHRISTIAN’S HELICOPTER.

AND THAT’S THE END OF THE BOOK.

Maybe something actually bad will happen in Book 3!

But probably not. They’ll probably just never stop having sex because in the next book they’re going to be married.

Ladies and Gentlemen, prepare your puke-bags.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Darker: Chapter 22 [Part 1]

“Kate! This is nothing to do with you.” I glare venomously at her, anger replacing my fear. How dare she do this? Not now, not today. Not on Christian’s birthday.

In case you are wondering, when we last left off, Kate had just found a copy of one of Ana’s emails discussing the Dom/Sub contract with Christian, and Kate is now angrily waving it in their faces.

And that is how Ana responds.

Her friend is honestly concerned about her, for VERY GOOD REASON, and all Ana says is “THIS IS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.”

Pardon me, it has EVERYTHING to do with her, because she’s your BEST GODDAMNED FRIEND.

Also you guys are going to get married and have a healthy, loving, not-fucked up relationship and it’ll be great. You just need to accept that.

And then Ana just keeps saying “Kate, it’s fine, I love him, I’m happy.” and Kate just accepts that.

“I love you so much, Ana, like my own sister. I just thought…I didn’t know what to think. I’m sorry. If you’re happy, then I’m happy.”

NO YOU LOVE HER LIKE YOUR OWN WIFE BECAUSE YOU TWO ARE CLEARLY IN LESBIANS WITH EACH OTHER.

STOP PRETENDING.

And then Christian announces their engagement. Boring.

OH SHIT BUT MRS. ROBINSON (ELENA) IS THERE.

AWWW SHIT. EVERYBODY IN THE PLACE HIT THE MOTHER FUCKING DECK. SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET REAL.

But before shit gets real, Christian and Ana meet Christian’s psychiatrist, Dr. Flynn. Who is British. And in case you aren’t aware that he’s British, here’s proof:

“That was one googly you bowled there, Christian,” Dr. Flynn shakes his head in amused disbelief. Christian frowns at him.
“John—you and your cricket metaphors.” Rhian rolls her eyes.

BECAUSE PEOPLE FROM GREAT BRITAIN JUST WALK AROUND SPOUTING CRICKET METAPHORS.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Darker: Chapter 21 [Part 3]

“So beautiful,” he murmurs and suddenly he gently pushes an anointed finger inside me…there!Into my backside. Fuck.It feels alien, full, forbidden…but oh…so…good. And he moves slowly, easing in and out, while his teeth graze my upturned chin.

WE HAVE ENTERED THE ANAL PORTION OF THE NIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

PLEASE GRAB YOUR VOMIT-BAGS WHILE I LEAD US ALL IN A MASS RETCH-A-LONG.

And then she comes. And then they go have more intercourse. And she comes again.

And then I’m pretty sure they have shower sex. Because they can’t just shower.

AND THEN THEY START EMAILING EACH OTHER BACK AND FORTH EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE LITERALLY IN THE SAME PLACE.

And then she goes to the store to get stuff to bake Christian a cake.

And then she comes back and they have sex. Again.

LOL AND THEN THEY GO TO A FAMILY PARTY AND KATE IS THERE AND KATE HAS A COPY OF ONE OF ANA’S EMAILS DISCUSSING THE DOM/SUB CONTRACT.

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

But knowing this book nothing exciting will happen because nothing bad ever happens.

Ugh.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Darker: Chapter 21 [Part 2]

“I’m your lover, Anastasia, not your Dom. I love to hear your laugh and your girlish giggle. I like you relaxed and happy, like you are in José’s photos. That’s the girl that fell into my office. That’s the girl I fell in love with.”

So…if you’re a Dominant you can’t like your partner to be relaxed and happy? You can’t love someone in that kind of relationship?

People do it all the time, dude. Just because you’re in a Dom/Sub relationship doesn’t mean you’re only in it for the sex. Some people are, sure, but not all.

Ugh, this book is so ridiculously wrong about BDSM. It gives people completely the wrong idea about those kinds of relationships. If I was in one, I’d be offended.

What does he have in mind? My inner goddess can’t wait to find out—she’s already scissor-kicked onto the table and is watching him with adoration.

Pray tell, how does onescissor kickonto a table?

I’d like to scissor kick your “inner goddess” across the face.

His proximity is intoxicating. This man is going to be my husband. Can one lust after one’s husband like this? I don’t remember reading about that anywhere.

YOU HAVE NEVER READ ANYTHING ABOUT PEOPLE BEING IN LOVE AND ATTRACTED TO THE PERSON THEY MARRIED.

GOOD.

Clearly once you get married you just stop being attracted to the person you married. That’s how marriage works.

Christian removes his fingers and slides the object into me. He cups my face and kisses me, his mouth invading mine, and I hear a very faint click. Instantly the plug inside me starts to vibrate—down there! I gasp.

You. Gave him. A BUTT PLUG. For his birthday. With the full knowledge that he would use it on you.

BUT GOD FORBID HE USES A GODDAMNED VIBRATOR ON YOU THAT’S SO WEIRD AND ALIEN AND WRONG AND OMG SOMETHING DOWN THERE IS VIBRATING THAT’S SO CRAZY AND KINKY OMG NO OTHER WOMAN HAS EVER DONE THIS.

Jesus christ. You should not be that weirded out by a vibrator.

Ladies, go buy yourself a vibrator. Right now. Do it. I don’t know how Anastasia has gone this long without ever becoming well acquainted with her vagina. It’s like she thinks it’s some weird alien planet down there.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Darker: Chapter 21 [Part 1]

GUESS WHERE THEY’RE GOING.

JUST GO ON. GUESS.

They’re going into Christian’s play room again.

HORRIBLY WRITTEN “KINKY” SEX HERE I COME.

Haha….come.

Anyway, so they go in, he has her strip, then he puts one of his ties on her?

$20 says he’ll use it as a leash.

“What shall we do with you now?” he says, and then picking up the tie, he yanks sharply so that I’m forced forward into his arms.

Nothing should be this predictable. I swear to god.

“Anastasia, these objects.” He holds up the butt plug. “This is a size too big. As an anal virgin, you don’t want to start with this. We want to start with this.” He holds up his pinky finger, and I gasp, shocked. Fingers…there? He smirks at me, and the unpleasant thought of the anal fisting mentioned in the contract comes to mind.
“Just finger—singular,” he says softly with that uncanny ability he has to read my mind. My eyes dart to his. How does he do that?

He didn’t read your mind, you gasped out loud when he held up his pinky finger, that’s a pretty good indicator of what you’re thinking, you stupid fuck.

In other news…WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO WEIRDED OUT BY YOUR OWN BODY. YOU CAN’T EVEN REFER TO IT BY NAME. IT’S NOT YOUR ASS OR YOUR VAGINA OR WHATEVER, IT’S ALWAYS THERE, LIKE WE’RE SUPPOSED TO THINK YOU’RE BEING MODEST OR SOMETHING.

THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

YOU PUT A BUTT PLUG IN A BAG AND GAVE IT TO CHRISTIAN FOR HIS BIRTHDAY. CLEARLY YOU ARE NOT THAT MODEST.

ALSO, IF YOU WEREN’T WEIRDED OUT BY THE BUTT PLUG, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO WEIRDED OUT BY FINGERS.

YOU MAKE NO SENSE.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Darker: Chapter 20

So they’re engaged, and I’ll give you 2 seconds to guess how they go celebrate.

If you guessed that Christian carries Ana fully-clothed into the shower intending to fuck her, you’re correct!

I head south with the sponge, across his belly, along the happy trail, through his pubic hair, and over and up his erection.

THERE YOU HAVE IT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. CHRISTIAN GREY HAS A HAPPY TRAIL.

I never thought I’d see the words “happy trail” in a published novel, but then I never really thought anything this awful would get published.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Darker: Chapter 19

Alright…so Christian is missing. He’s been missing for 8 hours, and the authorities are already involved, and Ana spends pages upon pages reminiscing about things Christian has said to her and being sad.

SO. BORED. UGH.

Oh, and then Christian just waltzes back into the apartment, apparently unharmed.

Who called it? I called it.

And then his mom is all OMG I DIED A THOUSAND DEATHS TODAY.

I fucking HATE THAT PHRASE OH MY GOD. WHO TALKS LIKE THAT. SHUT UP. A;LDFJAOSIER

And then Christian’s brother Elliot just says “You’ve made the news, bro.”

Does anyone actually call their brother “bro?” Is that a thing? Because it shouldn’t be. Whoever made it a thing should be punched in the face.

And then Ana lets Christian open his present early and it’s a stupid Seattle keychain with a programmable LED display on the back of it that’s been programmed to spell out YES.

So that’s how she accepts his proposal.

So they’re now engaged.

Woop de fucking doo.

In other news, Chapter 19 was the single most boring chapter in both books so far. Which, when you think about it, is kind of strange considering it’s the chapter when Christian magically survives a helicopter malfunction and makes it home completely unharmed. You’d think that’d be a little noteworthy.

Nope.

Literally half of this chapter was just Ana sitting in front of a fire having feelings. How exciting.

Hopefully Chapter 20 will be a little better.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Darker: Chapter 18 [part 2]

I didn’t even think this chapter was going to be interesting enough for 2 posts, but I forgot the rule that something ridiculous and/or sexual must occur in each chapter of this book.

ONWARD FORTH.

“You really don’t eat enough. You’ve lost weight since I’ve known you.” His tone is gentle.
I don’t want to think about my weight; truth is, I like being this slim.

SHE’S PROBABLY LOST WEIGHT BECAUSE YOU HAVE SEX 16 TIMES A DAY. I WOULD IMAGINE THAT TO BE A WEE BIT STRENUOUS.

Oh my.I gape at the people in front of us, staring at the backs of their heads. They have no idea what we’re up to. Wrapping his free arm around my waist, Christian pulls me to him, holding me in place as his fingers explore. Holy fucking shit…in here?The elevator travels smoothly down, stopping at the fifty-third floor to let some more people on, but I am not paying attention. I am focused on every little move his fingers make. Circling around…now moving forward, questing, as we shuffle back. Again I stifle a groan when his fingers find their goal.
“Always so ready, Miss Steele,” he whispers as he slips a long finger inside me. I squirm and gasp. How can he do this with all these people here?

Actually, Ana, they probably DO know what you’re up to, because you gasp every time Christian fucking touches you.

ALSO. Has E.L. James ever been in an elevator? I don’t care how many people are in there, those things are fucking SILENT. You can hear EVERYTHING, even if you whisper it.

Those poor, poor people.

And then they get back and start having sex on everything.

“Keep your eyes open. I want to see you,” he whispers and clasping both my hands with his, he sinks slowly into me.

Because you can’t see her if HER eyes aren’t open?

What?

I think he wants to look in her eyes (which is understandable, because that’s always really hot), but he says it in the stupidest way possible.

And then she ends up closing her eyes.

“Open!” he growls, tightening his hands on mine and thrusting sharply into me so that I cry out.

Apparently this book should be called “50 Shades of Bear.”

He nuzzles my hair, and I drift into sleep, safe in his arms, dreaming of sunsets and French doors and wide staircases…and a small copper-haired boy running through a meadow, laughing and giggling as I chase him.

WOW THAT’S SUCH SUBTLE FORESHADOWING. I DEFINITELY HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS SERIES IS GOING TO END.

And then in the morning Ana finds a huge box in Christian’s closet filled with photographs of former submissives in his play room. Oh good.

And then Ana goes to work, where she’s now the head commissioning editor or whatever, and proceeds to not do any work at all and just sits on her blackberry.

And then José comes and meets her and they go out for a drink. And then Kate shows up.

I turn and there’s Kate with Ethan. She looks gorgeous: sun-kissed, bleached strawberry-blond hair, golden tan, and beaming white smile, and so shapely in her white cami and tight white jeans. All eyes are on Kate. I leap up from my seat to give her a hug. Oh how I’ve missed this woman!

OH SHIT CHRISTIAN’S HELICOPTER HASN’T RETURNED FROM PORTLAND.

OH SHIT.

I SHOULDN’T BE THIS EXCITED FOR CHRISTIAN’S POTENTIAL DEATH.

But I guarantee he’ll return unscathed because NOTHING BAD FUCKING HAPPENS IN THESE GODDAMNED BOOKS.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Darker: Chapter 18 [part 1]

So they go drive and look at this huge house with a beautiful view of the coast and Christian wants to buy it and blah blah blah.

So boring.

And then he takes her to one of his clubs (because he owns the fucking world), and get this: It’s called the Mile High Club.

Really? Really. That’s what E.L. James came up with. The Mile High Club.

OMG WOW HOW FUNNY AND ORIGINAL, YOU MUST HAVE SPENT WEEKS COMING UP WITH THAT.

And then when they sit down, Christian tells Ana to go take her panties off. He doesn’t ask, he just orders. Par for the course, really. And Ana doesn’t have a problem with this!

You sure you’re not his submissive, Ana?

In the privacy of the stall, I smirk as I divest myself of my underwear.

ARE YOU SERIOUS. DIVEST? THAT’S THE WORD YOU USE.

Ms. James, your thesaurus is showing.

I’m excited already. Why does he affect me so? I slightly resent how easily I fall under his spell. I know now that we won’t be spending the evening talking through all our issues and recent events…but how can I resist him?

You “resist” him by SAYING NO.

NOT THAT HARD.

Just say “Well, actually Christian, I don’t want to go take my underwear off because I had hoped we’d spend a little time talking about our recent meeting with your shrink and the fact that you’re already planning on buying a house for us when I haven’t even said that I’d marry you.”

SIMPLE.

My inner goddess is draped in a pink feather boa and diamonds, strutting her stuff in fuck-me shoes.

Every time Ana’s inner goddess/subconscious are referred to as physical people, I briefly contemplate the advantages of running in front of oncoming vehicles.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Darker: Chapter 17 [part 2]

Okay, so, Ana just gave Christian his birthday present but he has to wait until Saturday to open it for some reason? And for the life of me I can’t remember what day it is. Probably because E.L. James doesn’t understand the movement of time but whatever.

And now they’re going to meet with his psychiatrist…which probably should have happened a long time ago, seeing as how Christian is FUCKING INSANE.

The room is understated: pale green with two dark green couches facing two leather winged chairs, and it has the atmosphere of a gentlemen’s club.

OH GOOD. HIS SHRINK’S OFFICE LOOKS LIKE A STRIP CLUB.

Oh, excuse me, gentlemen’s club.

Has Ana been to a lot of such clubs? Is she a frequent patron? Because we all know she’s far too clumsy to actually strip.

God that would be the best plot twist ever.

“Woops! Sorry, can’t marry you, I’m secretly a lesbian and I go to strip clubs all the time! HAUGHLAGHSLUGH”

That last word is the sound of her making out with Kate, who she was totally in love with in the first book and who is allegedly Ana’s best friend, even though Ana hasn’t seen her in weeks because she’s on vacation in god-knows-where with Elliot, Christian’s adoptive brother, where she’s probably having a really romantic and beautiful time because their relationship is FUCKING NORMAL.

Anyway.

So then, Ana asks Christian to leave while she talks to his shrink, and Christian goes all grumpy-pants on everyone. What a surprise.

Christian gives me one long, searching look then stalks out of the room—but he doesn’t slam the door. Phew. I immediately relax.
“He intimidates you?”
“Yes. But not as much as he used to.” I feel disloyal but it’s the truth.

WHY ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO INTIMIDATES YOU. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. If you can’t relax when he’s in the room for fear of him being mad at you, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T BE WITH HIM.

COME ON GUYS. RELATIONSHIP 101.

THAT’S what’s so fucked up. This isn’t romantic. She’s fucking terrified of him, but that’s okay because she loooooOooOoOoves him. Ugh.

So then José calls her and says he’s going to be in town the next day to drop of the creepy pictures of Ana that Christian bought, and Ana invites José to stay the night at Christian’s place.

I see no way for this to possibly go horribly wrong. Please, God, give me a fist fight.

“Okay. So are you allowed out tomorrow?”
“Of course I am.” I hope. I automatically cross my fingers.

THIS ISN’T HOW RELATIONSHIPS WORK. WHAT ARE YOU DOING.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Darker: Chapter 17 [part 1]

Oh jesus. They fell asleep after their last sexcapade, and they just woke up, and GUESS WHAT IT’S TIME FOR.

Thankfully, E.L. James had the good sense not to make me sit through another awful sex scene where they literally have sex in one position, except it’s THE GREATEST POSITION EVER because any position where Christian Grey’s Wang-of-Destiny is in your vagina is the greatest position ever.

I’m waiting for the plot twist where Anastasia is actually just a crazy girl in a mental institute who somehow found a vibrator that’s grey plastic, and this whole thing is in her head.

OH MAN MAYBE I’LL WRITE A FANFICTION AND THEN GET IT PUBLISHED AND EVERYONE WILL READ IT AND IT’LL BE GREAT.

I won’t even have to write more than one draft, since I shit better writing than E.L. James can muster after 3,000 drafts.

ANYWAY.

So Anastasia is all set to go back to work, even though SHE WAS ALMOST JUST RAPED THERE THE NIGHT BEFORE. But apparently nearly being raped leaves no lasting damage. At least not when you’re Anastasia Steele and don’t have a brain.

OH AND THEN SHE GOES TO WORK AND IS OFFERED HER BOSS’S JOB. THE GUY WHO TRIED TO MOLEST HER. SHE NOW HAS HIS JOB.

EVEN THOUGH SHE ISN’T QUALIFIED FOR IT AND WAS ONLY WORKING THERE AS A PAID INTERN.

WHAT THE FUCK.

NO.

THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN.

THAT ISN’T HOW LIFE WORKS.

This goes back to the whole “bad things happen” thing I was talking about before.

NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENS IN THIS BOOK.

Someone has a gun and is going to shoot it?!? Oh JK Christian saves the day.

Ana’s boss is going to blackmail her into having sex with him against her will??!? OH JUST KIDDING Ana is apparently a fucking ninja and can disable him in an instant (even though she’s apparently sooOoOoOoOo clumsy).

This is ridiculous. I’m running out of words to describe how enraged I am at this.

Also I like how Ana works in the publishing industry, as if E.L. James has any idea how the publishing industry actually works.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Darker: Chapter 16 [part 4]

I take him into my mouth, sucking hard, enjoying his shocked astonishment as his mouth drops open. He gazes down at me, watching my every move, eyes so dark and filled with carnal bliss. Oh my. I sheath myt eeth and suck harder.

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOUR TEETH ALWAYS UNSHEATHED WHEN YOU GO INTO THIS?!

Word of advice: boy-parts are not friends with teeth. Some guys are probably okay with it, but any guy who’s every talked to me about getting a bad blow job has said that teeth were involved.

SHEATH YOUR TEETH BEFORE YOU START GOING AT IT.

Also, why even mention that you’re “sheathing your teeth?” Why do I need to know that you’re doing that? Better question: Why do you say that EVERY TIME YOU DESCRIBE A BLOW JOB.

Which is actually only once each book, so I guess this is your token teeth-sheathing for this book.

OH, fun, they’re using spreader bars. HOW DELIGHTFULLY KINKY.

Ugh, and then they manage to make spreader-bar-sex really common and boring. Just like every other time they have sex, which seems to be about 16 times a day.

I’m so over all of these sex scenes. I’m not even turned on in the slightest. This book is just the same chapter over and over again. They have sex, she goes to work, they email, shit happens, they fight, they have sex, they eat food, then bed. Now Press Repeat.

LAME.