Let it burst(and bloom)

I’m starting to get unreasonably pissed about the inaccurate 50 Shades quotes going around.

Mostly because no one bothers to fact check anything (or they fact check THE SHIT out of EVERYTHING).

And yes, the 50 Shades books are shit-caverns, but people just accept that these ridiculous quotes came from them.

Like this one:

“His pointer finger circled my puckered love cave. “Are you ready for this?” he mewled, smirking at me like a mother hamster about to eat her three-legged young.”

Which, yes, that’s hilarious, but everyone just takes it as fact, like that’s actually in the books, which it isn’t. I’ve read them. I know.

There is SO MUCH SHIT to make fun of in those books (I liveblogged all 3 and I barely scratched the surface of the gaping dick-canyon that is E.L. James’ mind and thought process), why make shit up?

Like, this is the book that says “I had no idea giving pleasure could be such a turn-on, watching him writhe subtly with carnal longing. My inner goddess is doing the meringue with some salsa moves.”

THAT IS A LITERAL QUOTE FROM THE BOOKS.

WHY ARE WE MAKING SHIT UP WHEN WE SHOULD BE MAKING FUN OF THE SHIT THAT’S ACTUALLY IN THERE.

Conclusion:

1. Fact check your shit. Even if it’s stupid shit.
2. MAKE FUN OF 50 SHADES BECAUSE IT IS THE WORST EVER.

Caitlin Liveblogs the 50 Shades Trilogy: Final Thoughts

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Bonus Chapter — Meet Fifty Shades (Part 2) [part 1]

APPARENTLY THERE’S 2 PARTS TO THIS MEET FIFTY SHADES CHAPTER.

HURRAY FOR MORE BULLSHIT.

So where we last left off, Christian had just met Ana and had creepy thoughts about raping her during their entire interview, and then asked for a background check on her because that isn’t creepy as fuck.

So this second chapter thing opens with that background check, which includes Ana’s SAT score, her social security number, and her bank account number.

WOW THIS IS ALL SO FASCINATING I’M SO GLAD THIS WAS ALL INCLUDED. WHAT AN INTERESTING CHAPTER SO FAR.

Oh and now he’s outside of where she works because HE’S A FUCKING STALKER.

I knew it would lead to this. All week….I knew I’d have to see her again. I’d known it since she uttered my name in the elevator and disappeared into the depths of my building. I’d tried to resist. I’d waited five days, five fucking days to see if I’d forget about her.And I don’t do waiting. I hate waiting…for anything.I’ve never actively pursued a woman before.

And this is supposed to be….romantic?

It sounds like he’s stalking her so he can plan her murder.

Literally all he had to do was call up Kate, since he clearly had her number, since Kate was supposed to be the one interviewing him, and say “Hey, Kate, this is going to be really strange but I’d really like to get in touch with your friend Ana, the one who did the interview for you, could you give her my number and tell her I called? I hope you’re feeling better. Let me know if you have any more questions for that article you’re writing. Thanks!”

Maybe it’d be embarrassing, maybe Kate would be all weird about it, but AT LEAST YOU WOULDN’T BE CREEPILY WAITING OUTSIDE OF THE HARDWARE STORE WHERE ANA WORKS, THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO FUCK HER.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Bonus Chapter — Meet Fifty Shades [part 3]

She fishes a crumpled sheet of paper and a mini-disc recorder out of her overly large bag. Mini-disc recorder?Didn’t those go out with VHS tapes?Christ—she’s all thumbs, dropping the damned thing twice on my Bauhaus coffee table.

How delightfully clumsy.

I’m so sick of the “clumsy” shit. Either Ana is a clumsy fuck, like she is in this scene, or she’s a gun-toting badass who kicks bad dudes in the dick. She can’t be both, there is no reason why she would have changed from being a clumsy weirdo to being awesome in the span of like a year.

“But Caitlin, maybe she’s only clumsy because she’s nervous around Christian!”

A valid point.

HOWEVER.

Wouldn’t you think she’d be MORE nervous around Jack Hyde, who is a creepy fuck and who was TRYING TO FORCE HER TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM?! WOULDN’T THAT MAKE YOU A TEENSY BIT MORE NERVOUS THAN AN ATTRACTIVE MAN??

I fucking quit this chapter. Seriously.

OH and then Christian CLEARLY get’s a boner during the interview, but either he’s wearing a cup or it’s always hard, because Ana never notices.

As she grows more and more flustered, it occurs to me that I could refine her motor skills with the aid of a riding crop. Adeptly used it can bring even the most skittish to heel. The errant thought makes me shift in my chair. She peeks up at me and bites down on her full bottom lip.Fuck me!How did I not notice that mouth before?

CLEARLY THAT IS A BONER. OR AT LEAST A BONER WAITING TO HAPPEN.

E.L. James does know what generally happens when dudes think about sexy-times…right?

Unless Christian just has magical boner control or something.

“Are you gay, Mr. Grey?”
What the fuck! I cannotbelieve she’s said that out loud! The unspoken question that my own family dares not ask, much to my amusement.How dare she! I have to fight down the urge to drag her out of her seat, bend her across my knee, and spank the living shit out of her, then fuck her over my desk with her hands tied tightly behind her back.

WOW.

OKAY CHRISTIAN.

AND THIS IS THE MAN THAT WOMEN IDOLIZE.

WHY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE. SERIOUSLY. HE IS FANTASIZING ABOUT RAPING HER. AND EVERYONE IS JUST SUPPOSED TO THINK THAT’S ATTRACTIVE, EROTIC, EVEN?

NOPE.

WRONG.

PLAY AGAIN.

Or actually don’t play at all because you’re an ignorant fuck-face who thinks shit like that is attractive.

Don’t get me wrong, all of that stuff would be all fine and dandy, as long as Ana knew what she was getting into and said yes.

But Christian doesn’t seem to think that’s necessary.

Because he’s a fuckface. In case you forgot.

And then the chapter ends with Christian asking his own personal detective man to do a background check on Ana.

WHAT A CREEP.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Bonus Chapter — Meet Fifty Shades [part 2]

What the fuck are you thinking, Grey. This girl is much too young.

SERIOUSLY?!?!

SHE’S AT LEAST IN COLLEGE. YOUR’E WHAT, 27? 28? SHE’S ONLY LIKE 5 OR 6 YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU.

BUT THAT’S NOT OKAY.

EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE SEXUALLY ABUSED WHEN YOU WERE 15 YEARS OLD BY A MIDDLE AGED WOMAN, AND THAT’S PERFECTLY FINE WITH YOU. AN AGE GAP OF 30+ YEARS IS TOTALLY FINE, BUT 5-6 YEARS IS JUST PREPOSTEROUS.

STOP.

I study her. She’s quite attractive, in a gauche way—slight, pale, with a mane of mahogany hair barely contained by a hair tie. A brunette. Yeah, she’s attractive.

WHY. WHY IS SHE ATTRACTIVE.

Okay, so we know that she’s got brown hair, she’s pale, and she has blue eyes.

WHAT SHAPE ARE HER EYES, WHAT SHAPE IS HER FACE, WHAT KIND OF HAIR, IS IT CURLY OR STRAIGHT, HOW LONG IS LONG, HOW BIG IS HER HAIR, ARE WE TALKING LIKE HERMIONE HAIR OR JUST NORMAL BROWN STRAIGHT HAIR, WHAT DOES SHE SMELL LIKE, WHAT IS HER SMILE LIKE, ANY BIRTH MARKS, FRECKLES, MAKE-UP, HOW LONG ARE HER EYELASHES, WHAT DO HER HANDS LOOK LIKE, HOW DOES SHE HOLD HERSELF, DOES SHE SIT UP STRAIGHT OR DOES SHE SLOUCH.

THOSE ARE ALL QUESTIONS THAT YOU COULD HAVE ANSWERED THERE, E.L. JAMES. THEY ARE ALL QUESTIONS THAT I SHOULD REALLY KNOW BY NOW, HAVING READ ALL 3 OF YOUR GOD AWFUL BOOKS.

The fact that I still don’t know if the main character’s hair is curly or straight IS A BAD SIGN.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Bonus Chapter — Meet Fifty Shades [part 1]

Oh my god…

This chapter…

is the chapter where Ana and Christian first meet…

FROM CHRISTIAN’S POINT OF VIEW.

OMG I CAN SMELL THE SHITSTORM ALREADY!

My mood is flat and gray as the weather.

Wow I am already blown away by E.L. James’ writing capability. Oh man. We better slow down, everything is just so descriptive and well-written that my weak little mind can’t even handle it.

A commotion at the door brings me to my feet as a whirl of long chestnut hair, pale limbs, and brown boots dives head first into my office. I roll my eyes and repress my natural annoyance at such clumsiness as I hurry over to the girl who has landed on her hands and knees on the floor.

Jesus christ, even from Christian’s point of view we barely get a description of Ana.

ATTENTION ANYONE WHO WANTS TO WRITE ANYTHING EVER: DESCRIBE YOUR FUCKING CHARACTERS.

Also, I love how Ana is just soOoOoOooOOOoOOoOoO clumsy in this part, and she is basically NEVER CLUMSY AGAIN FOR THE REST OF THE BOOKS.

Clumsiness is supposed to be one of her two character flaws (the other being that she’s stubborn). When you have a character with only 2 flaws, YOU CAN’T FORGET ABOUT ONE OF THEM BECAUSE FLAWS ARE AN IMPORTANT PART OF WRITING WELL-ROUNDED CHARACTERS.

She has a small, sweet face that is blushing now, an innocent pale rose.

WHAT DOES A SMALL, SWEET FACE EVEN LOOK LIKE.

YOU ARE HORRIBLE AT DESCRIBING THINGS, E.L. JAMES. STOP TRYING TO WRITE.

Jesus christ I’m going to need multiple parts for this one.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Bonus Chapter — Fifty’s First Christmas

My sweater is scratchy and smells of new. Everything is new. I have a new mommy. She is a doctor. She has a tetscope that I can stick in my ears and hear my heart. She is kind and smiles. She smiles all the time. Her teeth are small and white.

THIS IS LITERALLY THE MOST IRRITATING THING YOU COULD POSSIBLY WRITE.

WHAT PURPOSE DOES THIS EVEN SERVE.

WHY DID YOU PUT THIS IN THE BOOK.

I DON’T CARE.

He’s calling. Lelliot. He’s big and loud. Very loud. He talks. All the time. I don’t talk at all. I have no words. I have words in my head.

I don’t even…why is this important. Who cares about any of this? It’s not telling me anything new about any of the characters.

Also, how old is Christian even supposed to be? How does he know words at all? Shouldn’t his language skills be really stunted because of growing up with a crackwhore who probably didn’t talk to him much or pay him much attention?

I still don’t understand how at this point the only problems Christian has are that he doesn’t talk and he doesn’t like to be touched. HIS MOTHER WAS A CRACK WHORE. HOW WAS HE EVEN BORN. I would have thought that the abusive pimp in the situation would have BEATEN THE BABY OUT OF THE CRACKWHORE but apparently not. Apparently she carried it full term and gave birth to it and managed to find food and diapers and things while still doing all kinds of crack and being a prostitute.

NONE OF CHRISTIAN’S BACKSTORY MAKES SENSE.

Aaaand then the chapter ends, after Christian rambles about his “new mommy” and “new daddy” and vague references to the crackwhore and stuff about santa.

That was a really stupid chapter. Still have no idea why it was even in there.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Epilogue [part 3]

WHY WON’T THIS END.

JESUS CHRIST.

So then Ted get’s a popsicle, but he drops it, and then he gets all weepy the way little kids do, but it’s all over his fingers so Ana is all “put your fingers in your mouth!” and the kid is like in awe of this like it’s fucking magic that he tastes like a popsicle all of a sudden.

“I think Daddy wants to taste popsicle, too,” I whisper in Ted’s little ear. Ted frowns at me, then looks at his hand and holds it out to Christian. Christian smiles and puts Ted’s fingers in his mouth. “Hmm…tasty.”

WOW THIS WENT FROM KIND OF ENDEARING TO EXCEPTIONALLY CREEPY IN A MATTER OF SECONDS.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE. GO WASH HIS HANDS, DON’T SHOVE THE KIDS HANDS IN YOUR MOUTH.

FUCKING WEIRDOS.

And then we get ANOTHER fucking flashback, this time to Ana giving birth.

THIS SHIT BELONGS IN A CHAPTER, NOT IN AN EPILOGUE. STOP IT WITH THE GODDAMNED FLASHBACKS.

Also, apparently their son is already the most spoiled little kid ever in the world. The kid has a SOLAR POWERED TRAIN SET. SERIOUSLY.

AND THEN THE WHOLE THING ENDS.

THAT’S IT.

DONE.

NO MORE.

Well, except the bonus chapters.

WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF EPILOGUE WAS THAT THOUGH.

SERIOUSLY.

STOP.

YOU’RE STUPID AND I HATE YOU.

Get ready for the bonus chapters on Friday, as well as my overall analysis of the series.

AND THEN ON MONDAY WE START SAVE THE PEARLS.

HURRAY FOR RACIST FUCKERY!

Oh god, I just glanced at the title of the first bonus chapter, and it’s called “Fifty’s First Christmas.”

HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO BET IT’S GOING TO BE FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF YOUNG CHRISTIAN, MEANING IT WILL BE TOLD IN LITERALLY THE MOST ANNOYING VOICE EVER.

WHY, GOD. WHY.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Epilogue [part 2]

Ugh so then the flashback sex ends and it cuts back to the meadow where we learn that Ana is pregnant again, this time with a daughter.

“How’s my daughter?”
“She’s dancing.” I laugh.
“Dancing? Oh yes! Wow. I can feel her.” He grins as Blip Two somersaults inside me.
“I think she likes sex already.”
Christian frowns. “Really?” he says dryly. He moves so his lips are against my bump. “There’ll be none of that until you’re thirty, young lady.”

“I like this,” he murmurs, stroking then kissing my belly. “There’s more of you.”
I pout. “I don’t like more of me.”
“It’s great when you come.”
“Christian!”
“And I’m looking forward to the taste of breast milk again.”

Oh and then we find out that they named their son Ted, which, and this is a personal opinion, is a stupid fucking name. Ted? Really?

[Christian’s] patience with Teddy is extraordinary—much more so than with me. I snort. But then, that’s how it should be.

NO. THAT ISN’T HOW IT SHOULD BE. YOUR HUSBAND SHOULD NOT BE AN ASSHOLE TO YOU. PERIOD. IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW GREAT HE IS WITH YOUR KID. WHAT. EVEN. WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GET THE IDEA THAT THAT’S HOW IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE.

Oh, and then Ana wants to name their daughter Ella, after Christian’s crackwhore mother.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Epilogue [part 1]

Here we go.

The epilogue starts off with bolded, italicized words that say “The Big House, May 2014”. So I guess this is like 4 years in the future? 3 years? I’m really not sure. I don’t know when the rest of the books were supposed to take place (I doubt E.L. James ever even mentioned the date previously).

So the chapter opens with Ana laying on a blanket in a meadow, daydreaming.

Much the way that this book opened with Ana laying on a beach, daydreaming.

WOW IT’S LIKE EVERYTHING CAME FULL CIRCLE HOW CLEVER.

Except not clever at all.

Also, apparently E.L. James mistook the epilogue for an actual chapter?

EPILOGUE: A section or speech at the end of a book or play that serves as a comment on or a conclusion to what has happened.

It is NOT a full-fledged chapter, it’s where you put what happens after the “happily ever after,” or where you put cliff-hangers for the next book, or where you tie up any loose ends you left hanging.

You don’t use it to FLASHBACK TO THE LAST NIGHT ANA AND CHRISTIAN SPENT IN THEIR APARTMENT BECAUSE YOU COULD HAVE JUST PUT THAT IN THE LAST CHAPTER, YOU FUCK.

Oh and guess what they’re doing in said flashback!

HAVING KINKY GROSS PREGNANT SEX.

Pregnant sex is fine, whatever, but USING A FLOGGER ON YOUR PREGGO WIFE SEEMS A LITTLE BIT WEIRD.

“You have such a fuckable mouth, Mrs. Grey.”

JESUS CHRIST I NEED 2 POSTS TO MAKE FUN OF THIS ACCURATELY. I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS MUCH STUPID CRAMMED INTO THE EPILOGUE.

I should have known better.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Chapter 25 [part 4]

So then Christian says he’s not going to work either, specifically to make sure Ana doesn’t do anything stupid (which, while I’m inclined to get mad about the fact that he needs to watch her like she’s fucking 4 years old, she does act like she IS 4 years old, so I guess he’s doing the right thing).

They decide to go see how their house is turning out, because Christian’s brother Elliot is helping build it, and by “helping” I mean that he’s just overseeing the process because actually physically helping build something is way too far beneath the Grey family.

I’m so sick of these rich bastards, I swear to god.

And then they have a picnic, and then Christian gets a call about how Elena’s ex-husband was the one who posted bail for Jack Hyde, so then Christian decides to ruin him financially.

OH AND NOW IT LOOKS LIKE THEY’RE GOING TO HAVE SEXY-TIMES IN THE MEADOW.

HURRAY FOR ACTUALLY LISTENING TO WHAT DOCTORS SAY.

NOT.

-_-

Tugging my blouse apart, he kisses the soft swell of my breasts. He murmurs appreciatively, low in his throat, and the sound echoes through my body to my deep dark places.

Are you a fucking CAVE? Is a fucking Balrog going to come rocketing out of your vagina like in Lord of the Rings?

“There are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of the world.”

Let’s hope Christian is secretly Gandalf and can fight it off.

“Christian, it’s been so long.” I’m panting.

JESUS CHRIST IT’S BEEN LIKE A WEEK. CALM THE FUCK DOWN.

“I hope you’re not attached to your underwear,” he murmurs, his eyes wild and bright. His fingers trace the elastic along my belly then slide inside, teasing me, before grabbing my panties tightly and pushing his thumbs through the delicate material. My panties disintegrate.

Ana, you need some better underwear. Your panties shouldn’t disintegrate that easily. Also WHY DOES CHRISTIAN KEEP DESTROYING YOUR FUCKING UNDERWEAR.

So then they finish having sex. Woop-de-fucking-doo.

“You know, I’d really like to test your limits,” he whispers.
“My limits for what?”
“Pleasure.”

SHE’S FUCKING PREGNANT AND STILL INJURED, BRO. YOU WEREN’T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX FOR ANOTHER WEEK. JESUS H. CHRIST. STOP. BOTH OF YOU. JUST STOP.

oh and then guess what they do 2 days later?

THEY GO HAVE KINKY FUCKING SEX. WHICH ISN’T DESCRIBED (probably because E.L. James couldn’t think of a way to make this sex scene different from any of the other ones, because SHE’S BAD AT WRITING SEX SCENES), and then guess what happens?

THE BOOK FUCKING ENDS.

DONE. IT’S FINISHED.

Except for the epilogue and the 3 bonus chapters.

Kill me.

BUT IT’S STILL MOSTLY ALMOST KIND OF DONE.

THANK. JESUS.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Chapter 25 [part 3]

I glance at the clock and see it’s seven fifty-three. I take a deep breath and wince as my ribs smart though not as badly as yesterday. I think I could go to work. Work—Yes. I want to go to work.

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO WORK.

YOU JUST GOT OUT OF A COMA LIKE 2 DAYS AGO.

NO. STOP. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. AT LEAST WORK FROM HOME OR SOMETHING.

Also why didn’t you write the time as 7:53. You had to write out the numbers? Really? That’s stupid. You don’t do that when you’re discussing the time.

I think this is the longest I’ve gon without sex since…well, since the first time.

OH WOW GOOD FOR YOU. DO YOU WANT A STICKER FOR GOING WITHOUT SEX FOR LIKE 5 WHOLE DAYS? YOU BRAVE LITTLE THING, YOU.

I shower quickly, and once I’m dry, I browse carefully through my clothes. I want something sexy. Something that might galvanize Christian into action.

SERIOUSLY? YOU’RE GOING TO WORK. THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

I choose an almost indecently short black skirt and a white silk blouse with a frill. I slide on thigh-highs with lacy tops and my black Louboutin pumps. A little mascara and lip glass for a natural look, and after a ferocious brushing, I leave my hair loose. Yes. This should do it.

DO YOU WORK AS A PORN STAR? SERIOUSLY? NO ONE DRESSES LIKE THAT TO WORK. I GET IT, YOU’RE TRYING TO SEDUCE CHRISTIAN, BUT JUST STOP. YOU’LL PROBABLY STILL GO TO WORK IN THAT OUTFIT, EVEN THOUGH IT’S HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE FOR THE JOB THAT YOU DO, SINCE YOU’RE BASICALLY THE BOSS AT THE PLACE (even though you’re not qualified for that position at all but whatever).

“Good morning, Mrs. Grey. Going somewhere?”
“Work.” I smile sweetly.
“I don’t think so.” Christian snorts with amused derision. “Dr. Singh said a week off.”
“Christian, I am not spending the day lounging in bed on my own. So I may as well go to work.”

So apparently Ana has literally no hobbies other than work. She said she liked to read, but she NEVER EVER READS ANYTHING. If you really love to read, you would relish the opportunity to lay in bed for a few days and just read nonstop. Also, as an editor or something (I still don’t know what Ana’s “job” is), you’d think you could work from home, read some manuscripts or something.

But since Ana is a useless husk of a human being and the only things she enjoys are sex and work, she just HAS to go to work.

EVEN THOUGH THE DOCTOR EXPRESSLY FORBID IT.

A;LSDKFJASOERI

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Chapter 25 [part 2]

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Chapter 25 [part 1]

Let’s see if this chapter is any better.

OH HURRAY WE’RE ACTUALLY GOING TO HEAR THE STORY OF HOW CHRISTIAN GOT SEDUCED BY HIS MOTHER’S FRIEND.

:D

“It was a hot summer day. I was working hard.” He snorts and shakes his head, suddenly amused. “It was backbreaking work shifting that rubble. I was on my own, and Ele—Mrs. Lincoln appeared out of nowhere and brought me some lemonade. We exchanged small talk, and I made some smart-ass remark…and she slapped me. She slapped me so hard.” Unconsciously, his hand moves to his face and he caresses his cheek, his eyes clouding at the memory. Holy shit!
“But then she kissed me. And when she finished, she slapped me again.” He blinks, seemingly still confounded even after all this time.
“I’d never been kissed before or hit like that.”
Oh. She pounced. On a kid.

So basically I don’t understand how Christian wanted to get involved with her after that, but I’m not a 15 year old boy with severe mental problems. so whatever.

“You have to understand…my life was hell on earth. I was a walking hard-on, fifteen yeras old, tall for my age, hormones raging. The girls at school—” He stops, but I’ve got the picture: a scared, lonely, but attractive adolescent. My heart twists.

WOW YOU POOR THING, YOU HAD TO GO THROUGH THE EXACT SAME SHIT EVERY TEENAGER GOES THROUGH. OH AND YOU WERE ATTRACTIVE? HOW DID YOU EVER SURVIVE SUCH HARDSHIP.

Seriously. Stop. You just described what EVERYONE ELSE WENT THROUGH. And we seemed to turn out just fine, and no one I know slept with a middle aged woman when they were 15 years old, so clearly there are ways to cope.

Stop acting like you’re so fucking special, Christian. Oh no, you were attractive? OH POOR YOU. I was awkward as fuck until my senior year of high school when I FINALLY figured out how to dress myself. I was weird and loud and lonely and boys didn’t like me the way I liked them and it was awful. And honestly, in spite of that, I had a pretty good high school experience! I’m sure other people could tell a lot worse stories!

Whatever, Christian’s dumb.