I often hear people start a sentence with “I just had the weirdest dream”
and I’m instantly skeptical.
I instantly know they’re wrong.
but I wait, and I listen
curious to see if they actually do have a dream that is weirder than the time I dreamt that I shaved my stomach and grew a tail which led to me being forced to run from the cops for the illegality of my stomach-shaving and tail-growing felony
or the time I dreamt a man dressed in a terrible bird suit kidnapped me and assured me that he would receive the power of flight once he had used me as a sacrifice
or weirder than my recurring dream in which I contract a never-before-seen disease, causing my corporeal form to convert into nothing but raisins that hold in the same shape as my body once was, and produces more raisins whenever I move to replace the thousands of raisins that come lose and cascade down around me, and I lose all of my friends despite it being non-contagious and when curious as to their disappearance I approach Noel Fielding on the half-walled bridge that Charlie Brown always approaches Linus on to ask for advice, and I ask Noel to tell me the reason for my friend loss, to which he replies, nonchalantly, “because no one likes raisins” while he peels and eats a banana
or that one dream I had that I can’t actually remember but I woke up from in a cold sweat, my heart pounding while I screamed at the top of my lungs “I AM NOT A CARROT” and God only knows what that dream consisted of
no my friends, you did not just have the weirdest dream…
for if you had, you’d be in the same state as me, sitting and contemplating what the actual fuck is wrong with your brain to have subconsciously come up with that scenario.
Well, I did have a dream that me and 2 of my friends were on a Titanic-like cruise ship, where the rich people were on the top level, there was a giant pool on the middle level, and normal/poor people were on the bottom. And suddenly there were 3 raptors terrorizing everyone. So I went up to the 3rd floor and knocked on the door and Kanye West answered and I tried to tell him about the raptors but he thought I was just trying to sneak into the party so he shut the door in my face.
So then I went down to the middle level where I met the raptors and music from Kill Bill started playing and I was suddenly a ninja assassin and I kicked the raptor leader’s ass and threw it’s dead carcass in the pool. I was so awesome and powerful that the other 2 raptors knelt in submission, and they told me they were really hungry, so I told them they could go attack Kanye West’s party because he was an asshole, but if they hurt anyone from the bottom floor I would come after them and kill them in their sleep, so then we shook hands and left.
I also had a dream that I stole bombs from a church and the priests started chasing after me and throwing jesus-grenades after me which would explode in the shape of a cross like fire works every time, and each grenade was a different color.
I don’t know if those are the WEIRDEST dreams, but they’re pretty weird.