Let it burst(and bloom)

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades Freed: Chapter 6 [Part 1]

Christian and Ana are about to have “rough sex.”

A puzzled expression flits across Christian’s face. “Kinky fuckery?” he asks, his words a soft caress.
I nod, feeling my face flame. Why am I embarrassed by this? I have done all manner of kinky fuckery with this man. He’s my husband, damn it! Am I embarrassed because I want this and I’m ashamed to admit it? My subconscious glares at me. Stop overthinking.

I DON’T KNOW ANA. WHY ARE YOU EMBARRASSED BY THIS. WHY DON’T YOU ANSWER YOUR OWN GODDAMNED QUESTION. OR BETTER YET, WHY DON’T YOU ASK YOUR AUTHOR, BECAUSE IT’S BEEN 2.3 BOOKS (GIVE OR TAKE A FEW CHAPTERS) AND I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU’RE SO WEIRDED OUT BY THIS.

IF YOU’RE THAT WEIRDED OUT BY IT, DON’T DO IT.

Also if you blush one more time in this scene so help me God I will stab you in the eye socket.

ALSO. “All manner of kinky fuckery?”

All manner?

All of it? You have done all the kinky fuckery there is to do. Really.

Lets make a list.

• Spanking.
• Metal vagina balls.
• blindfolding (which didn’t even last the whole sexy-time because your author FORGOT ABOUT IT)
• a belt (which made you leave him even though you asked for it)
• a leather flogger
• a vibrator (OH THE KINKINESS. I CAN’T STAND IT.)
• a butt plug (which was actually just his finger if I recall)
• handcuffs
• spreader bars
• nipple clamps

Please, let me know if I’ve forgotten anything.

Out of those 9 things, only about 4 are actually kinky. The rest range from EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER HAS DONE THAT to moderately main-stream.

You’ve never played with hot wax. You’ve never done anything with a whip. You haven’t done role playing (which isn’t that kinky), costumes, bondage (the time he tied your wrists with his tie or whatever doesn’t count. I’m talking full-body bondage, with ropes everywhere), actual anal, suspension, public exhibitions, leashes, collars, knife-play, fire-play, etc etc etc.

So no, you have not done “all manner of kinky fuckery.” You are not a special little snowflake, the things you let him do to you are mostly pretty common, so stop acting like NO ONE HAS EVER DONE SO MANY KINKY THINGS LIKE I HAVE because you’re wrong and I hate you.

And there’s probably more too! I am by no means an expert on BDSM, those are just things I’ve heard of/seen/read about. On the internet. In erotica that is 1000x better written with more believable characters and an actual plot.

So please just stop saying words.

I have to teach children how to dance again today.

I hate it so much. I wish I didn’t have to go.

I get paid, so I really shouldn’t be complaining, but I just never know what to do with them or how to assert my authority and I feel like they can all smell my fear.

I like small groups of children, preferably children that I don’t have to teach anything to. I’m not a very good teacher when it comes to dance.

Caitlin Liveblogs 50 Shades of Grey: #23

THAT ENDING WAS SO FUCKING STUPID.

NOW I FEEL OBLIGATED TO READ THE NEXT BOOK BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW IF STUPID ANA ENDS UP BACK WITH STUPID CHRISTIAN, WHICH I CAN ALMOST GUARANTEE BECAUSE IT’S A TWILIGHT FANFICTION AND THAT’S HOW THIS SHIT WORKS.

Ana, if you were a real person I would strangle you. You are so dumb. “Oh, boo hoo I’ve just left the only man I ever loved!”

HE BEAT YOU WITH A FUCKING BELT YOU WEIRDO. AFTER YOU ASKED HIM TO. HE WARNED YOU AND YOU SAID “NO THAT’S OKAY IT SOUNDS LIKE FUN HURRAY BEATINGS.” AND THEN HE DID EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID HE WOULD DO AND YOU WERE ALL “OMG YOU’RE A MONSTER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT HOW DARE YOU YOU’RE SO FUCKED UP.”

OF COURSE HE’S FUCKED UP, ANA. HE BEAT YOU WITH A BELT. HIS MOTHER WAS A CRACK WHORE.

ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.

God, and the angst, there was SO MUCH ANGST in the last few pages, I was fucking drowning in it.

That book was awful, seriously. It started out really hilarious and then it just made me mad, and now I’m going to go stew over how stupid Ana and Christian are and then maybe I’ll start the second book out of spite. MAYBE.

Oh shit I have two weeks of school left.

GOTTA GET MY SHIT TOGETHER.

jk tumblr.

No but seriously I woke up 2 hours early to get stuff done and I can’t for the life of me remember what I need to get done.

Soo….I guess I’ll go print stuff out or something? Maybe?

I’m supposed to write something sexual, because I censor myself when it comes to sex, and apparently in order to be a good writer I need to not censor myself ever.

And I understand that, but I have literally zero inspiration to write any sort of sex scene about anything ever. My tutor said I could make it funny, and I might do a sort of meta-fiction sex scene where the writer is trying to make the characters have sex and they’re rebelling because they don’t want to.

Urgh. I don’t want to write about sex. It always makes me giggle because I always try and make it the most ridiculous thing ever.

Also my tutor’s probably going to want me to read it out loud and I”m going to turn BRIGHT FUCKING RED because I’m going to have to say cocks and stuff out loud and that’s going to weird me out.

Someone give me a hilarious sex story to write about please. Something ridiculous.

I keep seeing these pictures of really attractive women.

And now I feel….I don’t know. Inadequate somehow. It’s not even just the pictures, I just know a lot of really cool girls who dye their hair crazy colors and it’s all wacky and super straight or super curly and gorgeous and they have all of the best clothes and then my hair is just blah and my clothes are blah and even when I dress up I’m still just blah.

And I’m breaking out because I’m stressed out and all I wear are jeans and t-shirts because I can’t find any clothes that I can afford that are more fancy-pants (but not super fancy-pants, just casual fancy-pants) than the ones I have and that fit me and would look good on my body because my body is all stupid and I have 0 boobs because I weigh 2 pounds and yeah that’s great I’m skinny, but that doesn’t mean I’m happy with myself.

I want to wear more dresses but they won’t fit me (lack of boobs) and I can’t afford the ones I want, and the ones I can afford are all ugly as hell.

I don’t know. I want to be fashionable. Not even really fashionable, I just want more of my own style, instead of just skinny-jeans-plus-band-tshirt-plus-hoodie. I want to dye my hair a crazy color, but I always stop myself because I’m worried it will look stupid on me, because I think it would, and even if I did dye my hair some crazy color I don’t know what it would be, and I can’t do that because I’m in the Nutcracker now anyway so nevermind. I also think my makeup is boring and my shoes are boring and everything I do and own is childish and immature and I just look like a 12 year old.

Moral of the story: I’m bored with myself, frustrated and sad because I’m bored, too scared to change it, mad because I’m scared, and stressed out because I don’t have time for anything anymore and I just want to sit down and cry forever.

Okay, so I’m going to try and finish my Bartleby parody (stupidest shit ever) and start on my Metamorphosis parody before going to rehearsal.

That way, I only have to worry about finishing the Metamorphosis parody and my YA homework…

Actually I’d better aim to finish the Metamorphosis parody before rehearsal too, I have a lot of YA hw to get to.

a;slkfjsa;oier

I just want one week that isn’t that stressful.

LOOKS LIKE THAT’S NOT HAPPENING EVER. COOL. THANK YOU TEACHERS FOR ASSIGNING EVERYTHING EVER.

I swear to god I’m the only person in the world with the bra size 32A.

I just was at kohls and I didn’t find a single 32A bra in the normal bra section.

Want to know where the 32A’s were?

The little girls section. They were all training bras.

I AM 20 I DO NOT NEED A TRAINING BRA. I NEED A PUSH UP BRA WITH LACE AND PRETTY SHIT BECAUSE I’M 20. NOT 10.

;slfkajs;oirjasoerijas;woer

I have a feeling that this weekend is going to be awful.

I’m going to class today from 4:30 to 6:30, then hopefullyhopefullyhopefully hanging out with Ben and then I need to do HW and work on Ben’s present.

On Saturday, I have to go to class at 10, and it’s taught by Matt and I hate his classes because I hate dancing and he makes me do way too much of it, and then I have rehearsal from 11:30 to 2:30, and I’m going to want to kill myself because we’ll be going over stupid shit like the finale and opening of Act II and those are literally two of the worst parts of the entire ballet.

On Sunday, to cap it all off, I have ballet from 12 to 1, taught by Mim, which I’m okay with, and then rehearsal from 1 until fucking 5 pm. Prior to doing that, I will be waking up at 2 AM to deliver a paper route until 8 AM, then sleeping for 2 hours and then getting up to go dance for 5 fucking hours and then coming home and finishing the ridiculous amount of homework that I have to finish for Monday.

I’m probably not going to get any sleep, I’m probably barely going to see Ben, I have to wake up even earlier on Monday because I have to walk to the train because my parents are going to be out of town, so I’ll be getting even less sleep, and I was really excited for my parents to be out of town because that would mean I’d have the house to myself and Ben and I could have sexy times but now we can’t because I’m on my fucking period. And then Monday night I’m going to have to finish making Ben’s present and finish doing my homework for tuesday and then get even less sleep than I did for Monday.

I already just want to quit everything. I can’t do this. I really can’t.

My uterus has awful timing.

Seriously, uterus, you are literally the worst organ in my entire body and I hate you.

What started as a short, half and hour nap turned into an hour and a half nap.

Not that I’m really complaining.

a;lskdfjaosierjsera;lse I’m an idiot.

I forgot to let my friend’s dog Boots out today, because her parents work all day and they don’t want Boots left alone the whole time, so I’m supposed to go over and let her out but I forgot and now I feel awful.

I feel even worse because I forgot until like half an hour ago, and I can’t text/call them now. So I have to wait until tomorrow and I feel like a jerk.

a;lsdkfjaoseirse this sucks. Why am I so dumb rrrrgh.

I mean, I know why I forgot, I was so rushed today trying to help shannon get ready cause she had a performance, and then I had to get ready to teach, and I just completely forgot.

I SUCK SO BAD ARGH.